Women

I'm going to start posting in this more often. Maybe. The problem is I hate facebook but I want to "express myself." While it's important to me that the blog is read by more than myself, it's not important that it's read by many people. I haven't posted in a long time since it feels like I'm just speaking to an empty hallway, but of course this doesn't matter really and it's more of a product of my own insecurity than any measurable reality.

Anyway, women. One of my favorite types are the attractive ones who weren't beautiful a few years ago. They usually are somewhat geekish, because that was their social group before, and they're not gunning for the hottest guys in the room, because they're not so high on themselves (at least not yet ;p). They sometimes use internet lingo like ^^ or xD, and even play video games (again, peer groups for the win).

I've met a few women who fit that classification while here in Sweden. It's refreshing. Interesting, attractive women who are 'on the level'.

Not that it matters, though. People talk about commitment issues. The vast majority of the time they're talking about the inability to be intimate with someone, to let themselves open up, to sleep with just one person, to give up some of their 'sovereignty'.

Personally, I have no problem with this latter stage of commitment. I dig intimacy, having sex with just one person is perfectly fine, and living with someone can be awesome (person dependent =o). My problem is more the initial commitment. I'm attracted to many women, in theory. I'm not too picky with looks, really. Certainly I need to be sexually attracted to someone, but in my experience that grows over time, and my mind is usually a few steps ahead of myself anyway, figuring a multitude of people have at least the hypothetical capacity to fulfill that growth. That doesn't mean I'm attracted to everyone, but I somehow see many women in the context of potential future attraction given certain personalities, instead of current attraction in a vacuum.

You might be thinking that since I'm a guy, my subconscious is looking to be attracted to as many people as possible so I have as many opportunities as possible. This might be true in some respect, but I basically disprove it by not trying to fuck anybody.

Of course I miss sex, but I imagine sex in a vacuum and I don't enjoy it. I see tits bouncing, big and small, some thrusting, some emotional gratification, some societal gratification, but nothing really. The more I think about sex in a vacuum (IE, sex with attractive_person_01) the more I prefer to go home and masturbate and get the inclination over with. After all, I'm only looking to orgasm, and, to a minority extent, obtain some kind of social satisfaction that affirms my self-worth.

But let's get back to this initial commitment. In my past experience, women have come to me. I said some provocative things, and boom, I had an intelligent, attractive girl make me her conquest. We ended up together for nearly 2 years. When I was backpacking through Europe, I met a very cool girl from the US who was also backpacking through Europe. I told her, drunkenly, that she had huge breasts. This is the kind of stuff that sinks any guy, but in this case we sent messages for the rest of the summer and she quickly told me she was interested in me. Boom, together for a year, living together for half of that. This type of thing has probably spoiled me in a sense, but what I see is an uncertain time commitment that I'm just not willing to make without at least some kind of signal that we're interested in the same thing.

Take a generic example. I meet a woman in some class or program. Let's say I find her physically attractive, whatever that means at the time. I'll make conversation with her but I'll simultaneously feel badly about not making conversation with the women I don't find so attractive (how put-off would I be in the reverse? You dont want to fuck me so you dont want to talk to me?). So I'm making conversation, but for me what I'm after, in terms of knowledge, is the personality; the personality is what does it for me. But a personality takes time to figure out. If a girl seems like a genuinely fucking cool human being who I really want to be friends with, one of the last things I want to do is fuck that up with flirting and unreciprocated sexual attraction. But at the same time, I don't want to pass up what is, indeed, a rare person. So I'm either left with 1) an attraction but an unknown personality, or 2) an attraction but a known personality.

In the latter case, I've gotten into the habit of "coming clean" instead of going for it. I'll look for some signs, but if they're not there, and the person is still cool as hell, well then it just builds and builds and the only way to keep it from making me go crazy is saying "ok, this is how I feel, how can we deal with this?" It usually turns out okay, but it's not a winning strategy (it's not meant to be). In case numero uno, we get back to the initial commitment. In my experience, 9/10 women I find attractive usually suck (in my opinion, of course). They're either too obsessed with their own appearance, boring in the sense that they're following some predetermined path, boring in the sense that they have nothing real to say, boring in the sense that they don't seek adventure, unintelligent, uncreative, or too interested in socializing and mainstream culture to offer anything of true value.

The point here is opportunity cost. Usually this 'knowledge pursuit' is done within the context of a party that includes other friends. Even when it isn't, there are plenty of other things I could be doing instead, like reading, creating, working, walking around a city, or doing whatever it is I do. If I'm not just interested in the sex, then there's simply no point investing the time on bullshit and fake interest if I could be engaging and building solid friendships, moving an awesome business forward, reading a novel like Dharma Bums, or trying out something new. And if it's a woman I immediately connect with, if there's no apparent attraction from the other side, I'm stuck in a tough situation that may get worse the more I remain in it.

Women +_+